As I mentioned earlier, a few years ago things got ugly. I was not in a good place, mentally, and just generally found life to be “too much.” I called my psychiatrist's office looking for help, and they told me to check into a mental hospital. Well, I compromised and entered myself into an outpatient program there. At this point I was still employed full-time, and while I was fortunate that my work was very accommodating, eventually I found that I couldn’t do both, so I quit. Why?
The outpatient program was HORRIBLE. The absolute worst thing I could have done, in my opinion, and made me feel much worse. They treat patients like low-key inmates: metal detectors, drug tests, attendance calls, etc. Therapy was in a group setting, which anyone who knows me could tell that was a bad start - I am PAINFULLY shy and extremely socially anxious. The two times I saw the doctor was through a monitor and he was awfully rude and lacking in feeling. He made me feel stupid, small, insignificant, and “crazy” (I hate that word, by the way).
I wish I had done then what I am doing now - educating myself in my diagnosis and advocating for myself with professionals. That’s basically why I started this blog, too. Because talking about this stuff not only (hopefully) helps reduce the stigma, but also (hopefully) helps me. This will be a journey that I will take with whoever out there wants to come with me: education, advocacy, and acceptance.
Anyway, what came next after the failed outpatient program? The fetal position, mostly. I crumpled into myself. I felt like I screamed into the void for help and no one answered. I appreciated that there were people in that program that seemed like they needed more help than me, but I needed more help than what I was receiving. I had fallen between the cracks. I stayed there for a while, too.
To be honest, I don’t have a lot of memory at this point in time. I think I was just treading water trying to stay afloat, and then one day I knew I had to make more of an effort. Not just for me, but for those around me. I once again began the hunt for a therapist, and this time, I nailed it…👻
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