I think one of the things I struggle with the most that a lot of people don't understand, is how much my mood and anxiety impacts my day to day life - especially work (we'll talk about the social consequences another time).
I'm sure it's not just me, but I am always tired. It just feels like I can never get enough sleep. And when you're in a depressive episode? Forget it. Getting out of bed seems overwhelming, but then having to wash your face/brush your teeth/shower/basic hygiene? Insurmountable. You're lucky if I leave the house looking like anything other than the hobgoblin I truly am. And like I said, that's just the depression.
The anxiety side of it means you probably didn't sleep well because your brain wouldn't stop cycling through absolutely everything you've ever experienced. So, you wake up tired and force yourself to get up. But then, as you are literally forcing yourself to do these seemingly menial tasks - those thoughts creep in. Sometimes you can make it out the door before they stop you in your tracks, but there's no way you're getting to work without it. Most of the time, for me, it hits me as I pull up in my car and I'm about to go inside - sheer, absolute panic. Full fight-or-flight. It's honestly so stupid, and I know that, but the nature of the anxiety beast is that it is incredibly hard to rationalize with and control.
On a good day, I have a moment of terror when I arrive at work that feels sort of like going down a large hill on a rollercoaster. My stomach is temporarily raised, my breath catches, and then it drops. Phew, clock in and move on (and physically force myself to go through the motions wearing that infamous mask every neuro-spicy individual can relate to)... on a bad day? I'm fighting back tears at the sheer thought of going in to work. It feels completely overwhelming and paralyzing. Like I'm being cornered by a feral lion or something. Sometimes, the thoughts win - I have to call in because I'm a literal mess of tears. And the thought of calling in is gut-wrenching. Will they be mad? Hate me? Fire me? It's not a decision I take lightly, but I know myself well enough to know when I'm not going to be capable of something.
It's no wonder to me that Bipolar Disorder is synonymous with high unemployment rates: about 60%. 88% just have difficulty maintaining employment according to recent studies. I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one, I guess. 👻
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